The Confidant

The Confidant

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It was heavily raining that night, the streets paved with reflections of street lights, bouncing every neon through its watery floors, like silk that coated the streets to cover them from the raging rain. I was glad that it rains; it was too easy to cry in it. "I'll do my crying in the rain", a song I faintly recalled. I was soaked and wet, I knew how hard the wind blew, and vehicles that passed had splashed right at me, as thunders caught every passer’s attention, perfectly hiding the words I oddly uttered. the whole setting was like an orchestra, everything around me was in tune to the melancholic songs of pain I felt; or rather a painting, where in I mold the rain and thunders, the faint lights, the skies, and clouds, to vaguely display all of what I was going through.

There in the middle of nowhere, a familiar figure, secluded from everything around me, smilingly grins at me. He was not part of what was going through around me, for his silhouette was untouched by the boundaries of my consciousness. I felt a sudden rush of calmness. I believed that someone would now hear my songs of laughter and cries I vividly hid among the rainfalls. Though my thoughts build the warnings of his grin, what would my senses do? I am about to be crushed into the rushing flood of invisible pain and I have no other option but to cling to the thorned twig that offers relief and safety. I called him a confidant, my confidant. “I shall not hide even a single shadow from my confidant ", I swore, “for every shadow within me, their presence I do not seek". My confidant reveals everything before me and explores all darkness that devours the lights of my consciousness. I barely notice the orchestra playing with the rain; or was it still raining when I knew he was there?

He set the light for me that I believed I needed to exist, and I needed him for that light to exist, and I needed myself for him to exist. The light burned every pain, every anxiety, every space, every smile, every will, and everything... it… he burned even my flesh, that until now I doubt if my soul could still exist.

A Message In A Bottle (Found in Toledo City seashore, 2009)

Last October of 2009, on my usual trip to one of Toledo City seashores with my first car, just to watch the sunset and feel the sea breeze that cannot be felt in Cebu City, I stumbled upon a bottle. At a distance, it was just a normal bottle piled up among seaside trash. On a closer look, I saw a white crumpled paper inside it, partially harmed by a minute amount of seawater that found its way inside a rusted cap. I have reserved its content and it took me these years to finally decide to share this to you. Unedited and quite long, I will give this a title as . . .

Stupid Me
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i donnu if we hav shared d same fate but im sure it reali hurts.
reali reali hurts na as if you wanna rip your heart out kasi alam
mo na dun galing ang sakit. u wanna get out of what u r into pero
u dunno how, paano nagsimula ang lahat. this pain seems to be so
unfamiliar. i reali know na napakagago ko, gagong gago, pero i cant
keep myself from being fooled. alam kong me mas mahigit pa sa kanya,
me mas makakita sa mga efforts ko, sa mga pagmamahal ko, sa mga
ginagawa ko para sa relationship pero why cant i luv those
people instead, parang sia na ang pinakahigit para sa akin,
why sia pa yung mahirap at masakit pakawalan, na
para bang alam mo na ginagago ka lang niya, andami tinatago sa yo,
kahit uubosin mo pang trust mo sa kanya, pagtitiwalaan mo siya, wala
pa rin, ginagago ka pa rin. u know 1 time, he txt me na me conflict daw
siya sa ate niya, worrying worry ako, u know pagmahal mo ung isang tao,
concern ka talaga, (shit talaga tong feelings na to), dun trust ako,
pero i saw somthng na napakasakit, sia at ung kasama niya andun sa
isang place, ti-nxt ko siya just to test f honest ba talaga, and he
said na dun lang sia sa bahay niya though kitang-kita ko na me kasama
siya at nasa mall pa sila, i dunno wat ul do f u wer just in me place pero wala lang akong
ginawa, destroyd nya ung trust ko, napakasakit, bat ba ang gago ko.
pumunta nga ako sa friend ko para sabihin un, sabi niya un daw napala
ko dahil dinedma ko daw ung kaibigan nya na sana napakabait nun. tama siya,
napakabait nga nung taong yun pero i dnt know why i turned out lyk this.
i gav her a chance pa, (im shit talaga), alam ko niloloko nga ako pero
heto pa rin. tiis nang tiis. at ung cel niya andaming secrts, lam mo ba na
inspite sa lahat na ni-show ko na wala na talagang iba, sia lang talaga, makuha pa niyang
magkkip nang contact sa mga pasts niya. pero ung lahat ng friends ko,
communication ko sa kanila pinagbabawal niya. im living an unfair world pero
eto tiis na tiis pa rin para walang misundrstanding.. i giv up a lot
of thngs for us, mga barkada ko, ung hobby ko. pinaglalaruan lang niya ako.
somtimes i feel na mahal niya
ako pero mas feel ko ung panloloko niya. minsan nga, i won from a certain modeling contest,
important day ko yun, we made a plan to kind of celebrate. i was so
hapi pero dumaan kami sa kaibigan niya, they were drinking, and enjoy siya
dun at 4got niya ung plan namin at ok lang sa kanya na uuwi nalang muna ako.
pinauuwi nalang nya ako, alam mo yun.
i know na me plan siyang iba. mas importante pa sa kanya un kesa 'kin.
dun ko nalaman wer i stand sa kanya. napakasakit nun, until now feel na feel
ko pa ung hurt sa araw na un, kung hindi lang talaga
kami kasama in one place i should have 4get na. pero i tried that day na
maki-pagsplit. parang na-regain ko concoiusness ko, almost na kami nagsplit.
pero alam mo concern pa rin ako sa kanya. enrolment kasi nya yun and worried
ako if napano na yung processing nya. di ba im shit, im gaaaaagooooo.
im an assshole. pero in love lang talaga ako. i just follwed my heart.
pinamukha pa nga niya na kasalanan ko lahat, hindi nya napansin na parang
napuno na ako sa panloloko niya. and u know wat, tawagin mo nalang
akong stupid, kahit ako, ilang beses kong nasabi un, stupid talaga ko,
kasi col ko sia, parang a big turn sana un. how i wish na ma-realized ko na
anong gingawa ko, na pinayagan ko siyang paglaruan lang ako. 'Pare wala na ba talagang
ibang babae sa mundo?', sabi ko sa sarili ko.
dun hapinghapi naman ako, kahit fresh pa ung sugat ko nun, n as usual
sa usapan namin ako naman ung me mali. patuloy pa nun mga secrets niya.
mga bagay na ginagawa nya na alam mo me tinatago siya. hindi talaga
open sayo. minsan nga sabi nya na burial daw sa lolo niya, that was friday
night na umalis siya. at sunday na siya umuwi sa bahay, sunday night. why?
as what ive known me dumating na kaibigan niya from manila, dun at inimbita siya.
kahit man lang na naglagay siya nang msg na kung saan siya para naman
hindi ako ma worry pero as f i dun exist, balewala lang ako. darating lang
siya sa oras na me kelangan at kelangan niya ako. he didnt respect me nfront
sa friends niya, na as f wala siang paki sa akin. Please let me get out of this,
in a very slow less painful way. Please if eto palaging nasaktan ako, enuf
na sana to. i cud look for more serious person para sa akin, ung alam mo na
me trust sia sayo kesa alam mo nang lahat sa kanya n me trust dn sia sayo
kasi alam niya lahat sa kin. u know, kahit cel ko i left it with sa kanya
para magkaroon lang sia ng trust sa akin, pero ung cel nya kahit man lang
1 tym hindi nya pinadala sakin because i know na me tinatago siya. i know
ginagago lang nya ako. masakit un, i hope u know wat i mean. i hav ds unfair
relationship, untrusting and foolish pero eto pa rin ako. binalewala ang lahat
hoping na magbago siya, namag-change sya, eto lang ang request ko sa kanya.
i tried so hard to hold back for myself para lang sa kanya pero i dunno if
nakuha ba nya ung message ko, nung tratohin naman nya akong best friend, kahit
man lang hindi nya makayang partner ang turing niya. ung sabi ko na ginawa nyang
hindi ako inuwian for a certain weekend, twice niyang ginawa un an iknow gagawin
niya un again n again n again. did i mention na sinisigawan niya ako sa malls, public places,
tatawaging gago sa public, minumura, God, please help me. I can no longer bear these.
You know how much i feel para sa kanya n do i hav to suffer much para sa feelings
na to? Me nagawa ba akong mali sa kanya para gawin niya ang mga to. lahat na bagay
na gagawin ko, parang hindi nya nanotice na hindi lang para sa aking un, but para
sa aming dalawa. kelan kaya nya ma-realize kung gaano sia kahalaga sa kin. Pero
u know, tama ka, hindi nga totoo na "if u really care for somebody you'll
take watever heartaches u'll receive" kasi i believe na mapupuno dn ako.
kasi time will come na ma-realize na kelangan dn nang sarili ko ang self-esteem,
kelangan dn akong maging mabuti sa sarili ko, kasi i just let things hurt me
a lot, na saktan nya, lokohin nya, ginagago nya, minumura niya. lam mo, alam kong
nasaktan ko dn sia pero i hop marealize nya na ibinalik ko lang sometimes ung ginawa
nya s akin para naman ma feel nya un ang sakit na na feel ko. pero im just hurting
my self pag sinaktan ko siya. I know darating dn ang panahon na mapupuno dn ako,
maging manhid dn ako, at itong gagong to, tong feelings na to, mawawala rn,
ung masasabi ko na i already had enough, na para bang, "i was already fed up
by your foolishness towards me and i hop na realized mo na yun" na masabi ko yun.
at i know, na although masakit yun, kasi me pinagsamahan na kami, at mahal ko talaga sia,
Shit I love her!, unti-unti rn mawala siya sa akin. cguro pag pupunta cguro ako sa ibang bansa, ung
malayo sa lugar namin na madalas naming puntahan, ung lahat nang memories namin
i can soon 4get, mga sakit na ginawa nya, mga panloloko, mga pagtitiis ko, kasama
na yung plans namin, mga masasaya dn un pag walang away, ung in a short time i 4get
na fooled ako sa babaeng mahal ko. kasama dn ung efforts ko na ma maintain ang relationship na to.
i know malapit na un, as of now nasa process cguro ako na pag-realize na ung
changes na inexpect ko wont reali happen, wont reali come, cguro im just one of those
people na niloko niya, at ako ang pinakagago, im the most foolish kasi
i tried to be brave para sa relationship namin. lagi nya ung sinasabi sa akin
na ayaw na nya daw na magstart nang bagong relationship sa iba pero at first
i believe nun, pero now parang doubtful na ako, hindi sia nagcare sa relationship
namin, slowly sinisira niya ung trust ko, luv ko, lahat lahat sa mga
kasinungalingan niya, mga lies niya. pero ok lang, at least alam ko
na nakayanan ko ang ganitong sakit na ginawa niya, because to let go is to start
and move on. pero sana hindi pa huli ang lahat
para sa amin. pero im hapi na nakilala ko sia at na sana magbago siya,
sana hindi na nya ako lolokohin, gagagohin,
sana nga... pero sana lang un, i dont believe na magagawa nya un, i know where i stand
sa kanya... pero sana nga ...kung sino ka man makabasa nito, salamat sa pagkeep,
para mo na rin akong may listener sa lahat na hinanakit ko sa lovelife ko.

"I want to know, have you ever seen the rain..."

"I want to know, have you ever seen the rain..." 

 (Photo Credit: cebucitylife.com)

And there goes the song by Creedence Clearwater, telling us how same is the rain during sunny days when sunlight pours in as unhindered as raindrops. But in the case of rain in SM City Cebu, its totally different. 

Lately, I have observed that SM City Cebu gets flooded always when there is medium to heavy rain. I have made a little research on when roughly this menace have started. According to articles, it started just when Cebu City cemented those roads. 

Come to think of it, these roads are just 200-300 meters away from a river that could have allow the waters to exit towards the sea. It is a no-brainer, the problem is the drainage system. 

If we are going to look back before (NRP)North Reclamation Area was made, the seashore was just at the back of Mabolo Elementary School, so Mabolo Church was just facing the seashore. The river between NRP and Mabolo is a man-made river. It is supposedly able to give way for the water that would come down from Nivel Hills Lahug, then Juan Luna, towards the sea, and all the waters including from NRP.

Before IT Park was made, it was a single runway airport. Soft ground, grasses, trees, around the airport could minimize the rushing of water towards Juan Luna, Mabolo. Now it was also cemented, so there is no way it could help absorbing all those waters. And now even Mabolo, including the access road from my apartment towards the main road, gets flooded.

As a conclusion, rainwater is a blessing, it depends on how we utilize it. The flood in SM City Cebu will always be a headache if proper drainage system will not be applied. If we do not change something for this, we always get the same result. I hope our government officials will have to consider this problem and review the city drainage master plan.

For the readers, at least we are aware of the situation.

For the love of this Hobby

For the love of this Hobby . . .

. . . I shall battle or bottle ships of hardships.

Yes, that's it. For several months, I have thought about what would be my next hobby, after giving up Magic The Gathering, then Dungeons and Dragons, then online games, etc. I was thinking I would pursue blogging. But to make it more interesting, I may add travel and food blogs. Yes! That captured my blood that lays dormant and idle after all those years of gap, after giving up my previous hobbies.

I have started blogging several years ago, and poetry since high school, and this is the time to add flavor on the usual thing, adding travel and food blogs.

But what are my to do list:

1. Get a D-SLR Camera

Done. I got myself a 650D Cannon this month and this would help me get pictures if I travel, or drooling on foods I am about to taste. (At least I got excuses on additional orders).

2. Buy the Pollen Pen domain.

Done. Why Pollen Pen? Actually this was my pen name since high school. It is a long story. Just refer to www.pollenpen.com for details. Why buy the domain? Well, aside from having your own name, it will give you a higher sense of ownership, uniqueness, and importance of what you do. It is just the same thing as, "Ok this is getting serious.".

3. Redirect my old blogs to blog.pollenpen.com and poems to notes.pollenpen.com

Done. This one is a little bit tiresome. I came to understand DNS settings and aliases, and most of all, spent time reading on how to promote and monitor your own site. LOL. This was not even the actual creation of the main site yet. And oh, facebook creation: https://www.facebook.com/thepollenpen,  done.

4. Create the next blog for Food treks

Not Yet Done. This one is tough. I am having a hard time choosing between redirection or host it within pollenpen.com domain. Why the confusion? Because Google Sites has a very inferior templates compared to other web hosting sites, but using the Google Sites could provide a very good integration between web tools and sites, drives, document sync, etc. Still Thinking . . . 

5. Create the next blog for Food treks

Of course not even started. If the problem at hand would be solved then it would be fine.

Well, i guess it is a long way. And interesting. 

After all, I feel excited watching my list of all those places I plan to visit this year.

Remember, in the course among adversaries, hope must be as perennial as the grass.

See you soon . . .

Self-Recognition versus External Evaluation

In a world and time when Effort requires Approval, Motivation is a Pull not a Push, Recognition is a must not an Option, you are too DUMB to be too late to not do it, and too FOOL to stay if you do not get it . . "it" means the Recognition you deserve.

But what is it that you "DESERVE"? Is it your self-recognition you set while you stare yourself at the mirror doing your job the whole year round? Or is it the Recognition you got when you receive the figures from your organization printed in a fixed black ink that will never be changed, not within another year . . . hopefully?

As you ask yourself this question, looking at the mirror, you may see a dainty, elegant, benevolent, boss-like, industrious, superb, well-groomed, excellent, outstanding employee looking back at you, then you said to yourself, i need this Recognition. Of course you do. 

BUT, are you really that person?

What if this Recognition is set by someone in another perspective, looking at you, from external, from a different viewpoint, from 60-degree perspective, and they see a puppet, stupid and unworthy.

In the case where Expectations do not meet, you have two options, where Fight is not that often a good choice, go on do your Flight. Life never loses its options. Life goes on.

Do not linger too much pitying yourself.
"You are a child of the Universe. You have the right to be here..." as Desiderata goes.
So pick your self-esteem and go on pack-up your things to where you can find your most valued Recognition.

Above all, always "Manage your expectations." and you will live and love longer :D

For those people, who whines too much in this kind of situation, i sympathize, its normal to feel that way. But I pity you if you stay that way too much longer.

_-=******=-_