Missing You

Its been exactly six months since i have been away from you. I never thought I would miss you like this. It caught me off-handed when all the struggle not to see you again, not to think of you again, were all just a puff of smoke, or grains of sand escaping from my effort to forget you. Now, I humbly admit, I am missing you. I miss you, would that be enough for you to hear, to believe me how much I need you right now. Standing in the rain, like a child shivering, quivering, longing for the warmth of your very smile, waiting to melt in your gaze, and lost in the heaven of your eyes.

I miss you my blog.

Some good things never last

My last day in NSP, last August 22, 2008. All the good things, the bad, and the others in between, though time fades away, all of them, in my memories, will stay. I know it took time for me to decide to move on, but I am never such a fool. I had my best time in NSP. And now, I am over the edge, I tested the ledge, and life has been so much worth to move on so I must go on with the dreams I still keep in me.

But someday, ill see you, NSP, will you smile and say hi? I may look fine but deep inside, I am missing you.

Till then, to all my friends in NSP, and to you, thank you. m(_ _)m.

Gentlemen of the Jury and the Maslow's Stone

"Honourable Judge, Gentlemen of the Jury, before you sentence me to death, hear me say why I KILLED MY WIFE...". This was an introduction of my declamation I delivered on one of the declamation contest way back my highschool days. It earned me a title of a champion then and a trophy which is nowhere to be found and nobody could remember.

On the verge of leaving my current company after spending 9 years with it, a lot of people asked my why I made that decision. They question the worthiness of taking such risk, the reasons for leaving; was it the salary? the challenge? the friends? the trend of seeking jobs abroad? or just a wild random move, which definitely was not among the reasons. They are all like the imaginary Gentleman of the Jury which I faced years back on my winning piece. I have to do a lot of reasoning, explaination, and everything just to satisfy their interrogative, judgmental advances.

One of the managers told me during our conversation, "It all would trim down to salary reasons..". When he said that to me, I was thankful of myself that I still have the dignity to hold back myself from firing back for that offensive statement.

Salary. If this is the only reason, then maybe I should have resigned 7 years ago. Salary could be one of the reasons, but not within the top three. But of course, salary is one of the top three criteria for my next prospective employer. So, what made me leave you, Gentlemen of the Jury? It is simply the misalignment of my plans and expectations with your goals. With your blue prints for your future, I cannot see any personal growth, development ladders, and motivational challenges. You are one of the best company I ever worked with. One of the best ride of my life, no question about that. WAS one of the best train for my destination. But at this time, this point in time, your destination is not what I planned. I have to transfer to another train that could help me get going. But who knows, someday you will just come around the corner.

Its just the way of life, why question it?

For the manager who could have less understanding on situations like these, I hope you could educate yourself, because even me, I did my homework on Maslow's Pyramid of Human Needs.

Office politics and organizations

It is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches at different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

- reality fun -

The old, worn-out, and forgotten

This morning I was sorting out my cabinet to look for things, files, just anything I could throw to empty my cabinet from old and useless things. From last year's documents, worn-out notes, never-remembered receipts, to old project's design, that was all I got to throw in the trash to have a considerable space in my cabinet.

As I browse all these time-forgotten things, memories slipped in uninvited. The pictures were surprisingly very vivid, the sounds were undoubtingly very clear; the voices, laughters, jokes, even the smiles and the blurred faces I saw from the corner of my eyes were still there. One thing though caught my attention. It was January 5, 2003 in a calendar. I draw a broken-heart figure on that day. I put a note on it that says "If you could no longer remember this, or even if you could remember but without any pain felt, then you have moved on." On that instant, I tried really really hard to remember what this broken heart stands for. I really could not remember a thing no matter how hard I tried. Of course I know who could brought me this broken heart, or the person who have caused it but I could not tell what was the cause. It was then I started to think of the person. Surely that person have moved on also. It has been a very very long time since we had talked or even contacted by phone, or even emails. But what caused me to draw the broken-heart figure could be very painful to cause me to draw it.

Failed to remember anything about the drawing I just thow it with all the other old stuff. Surely the note really is right. I cant even remember why I did write that note. It seems I was looking forward for the day that the pain I felt at that time would simply go away. Not knowing that I would come across with it 5 years after. Surely, I have moved on.